I am a self-admitted emotional eater. If I’m happy, I want to celebrate with food. If I’m sad, I want to drown my sorrows in a bucket of ice cream. In addition, I am a deep thinker and recovering perfectionist. The combination of these habits is why I believe I reached 338 pounds at my heaviest. I knew I needed to make a change, and do so quickly.
This led me to my current journey, breaking up with food. I am in one of the toughest processes I’ve ever been in. I use the word process because, although I have taken away the option to overeat as a coping mechanism, when life gets tough, running to the fridge is still the first thought I have. I still day dream about face planting in my favorite cake, and only coming up for air when I have to take a breath. I am working hard to change that, but as they say, old habits die hard.
I am making great progress on the scale, but the toughest battle isn’t a visible number, it’s the emotional and mental changes that I have to make in order to stay successful. I’ve tried self-help books, listening to sermons, exercising, and many other place fillers for food over the years. I would do okay for a while, especially with the more manageable hurdles that life throws down the path, but when the big stuff came, I was right back where I started, using food to numb the hurt, loneliness, and pain.
Eating food to cope is like taking a pain pill but never getting the surgery. Does it feel much better? Yes, but I still have a gaping hole on the inside that needs to be stitched. Plus, when the medication wears off I am right back where I started. It is a never-ending cycle, and I still need the surgery.
With this type of surgery though, there is no anesthesia. Sitting with these emotions, diving in and discovering the events and unlocking the trauma that led to the massive injury is agonizing! Going down this path doesn’t mean I am being negative or living in the past though, it means that I want to be fully healed, so that I don’t carry the pain into my future.
Not everyone uses food to cope. Some turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography, or other self-gratifying habits. Whatever the mechanism, behind that, I am certain, is unresolved trauma and hurt. Nothing will break those patterns long term without enduring the pain it takes to heal. There is no quick fix. It’s not pretty, and in fact, it’s quite messy. But, it’s necessary.
This is where I am, wading through the deep recesses of my heart and mind. Seeking true and lasting healing. It makes me feel more vulnerable than I’ve ever felt in my life, but it also makes me feel more hopeful than ever. The more I allow to be exposed, the more I feel God with me. Holding me and mending each and every wound, a stitch at a time. This is what makes the journey to health after 40 feel different than the hundreds of others I’ve started but been unable to complete. I am not running from the process or looking for a short cut, I am going through it. I am confident that this road will lead to lasting change.
If you are in a recovery process of your own, I applaud you. It is a brave thing to seek to be free. If you are an emotional eater like me, I get it. I encourage you to find the why behind the what. It hurts, but the end result will be worth the pain. Let’s do this together!
